Communication and interpersonal relationships

Being able to be yourself in your relationships and establishing strong, healthy social ties are crucial to your mental health. However, being able to thrive in a relationship, whether it’s love, friendship, family, or work, isn’t always simple. Humans are complex beings, and two people are even more so when they’re in a relationship! So, what’s the recipe for positive, healthy relationships?

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Maintaining a GOOD social network

For some people, connecting with others comes naturally. For others who are shyer or introverted, it’s more energy-consuming and more effort is needed to get there. What’s more, it’s easy to get lost in the world of social networking, where relationships abound, but they can be superficial and ephemeral.

It’s worth investing time and energy in nurturing the relationships that make us feel good. Have a healthy social network:

is beneficial if you’re going through an ordeal or stressful situation
is beneficial if you’re going through an ordeal or stressful situation
satisfies our human need to belong
allows us to blossom through shared activities or interests

It’s normal for your network to evolve over time. Sometimes you may realize that it’s better to have a few quality contacts than to know a lot of people who won’t be there when you need them. In a healthy relationship:

The person accepts you as you are, respects you, listens to you and is honest.
The person will show empathy and support for what you’re going through.
The emotions felt in exchanges should be mutual and reciprocal.

If you don’t feel the pendulum swing back from the efforts that you’re making to take care of the relationship, you can review your priorities. It’s justified to want to leave certain relationships that aren’t satisfying or that bring you more negatives than positives.

The famous communication!

Each relationship is unique and presents its own challenges, as individuals bring their own experiences, emotional baggage, and upbringing to the table. Prejudices, past heartaches, and unspoken expectations can also influence the dynamics and quality of exchanges.

In any relationship, being able to communicate your needs, expectations and limits can avoid many misunderstandings. Communication helps you to adapt and respect the other person, and vice versa. Communicating with respect, attentiveness, and caring, require:

Recognizing the other person’s experiences and wounds.
Taking the time to listen to others and remaining receptive.
Paying attention to the non-verbal language of others.
Using a pleasant, respectful tone of voice.

In the event of conflict, nonviolent communication is a very interesting technique to try out to achieve a healthy relationship. It involves showing empathy and focusing on conscious, constructive exchanges. It is based on the four following principles:

Situation: Observe and objectively name disturbances without passing judgment.
Feeling: Recognize your own emotions.
Need: Identify and express desires or needs.
Ask: Make a clear request.

A concrete example of non-violent communication

Samuel and Léane are colleagues in a team working on an end-of-term project. Samuel is angry because he has the impression that Léane is not meeting the deadlines for their deliverables, which is affecting his work. Here’s how Samuel could communicate non-violently with Léane to manage this conflict.

Situation | Samuel: “Léane, I noticed that the report you were supposed to finalize by Monday morning wasn’t handed in until Tuesday afternoon.”
Feeling | Samuel: “I felt stressed and overwhelmed when I didn’t receive the report on time, as it delayed my part of the project.”
Need | Samuel: “I need the deliverables handed in on time so I can do my job serenely and meet the overall project deadlines.”
Ask
- Samuel: “Could you let me know in advance if you think you won’t be able to meet a deadline, and give me a new realistic date so I can adjust my schedule?”
- Léane’s answer: “I understand. I’m sorry for the delay. I had a hard time managing my priorities last week. I’ll make an effort to keep you better informed and organize myself to avoid it happening again.”

Coping with loneliness

Basically, solitude isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It may even be desired temporarily to rest, to work through a situation or to carry out a personal project.

Conversely, solitude can be imposed, particularly after a break-up or during an intense period of thesis writing. It occurs when you want to be in touch with people, but can’t. It can happen even if you’re not alone. It can occur even if you have a lot of social contact, but there’s an emotional distance in these non-meaningful relationships. This kind of loneliness can be difficult in the long term. If you don’t feel comfortable with your loneliness and it’s affecting your life and enjoyment, don’t hesitate to ask for help from resources in your school or community.

Tips to break the isolation

Find opportunities to meet new people through activities that match your interests (e.g., classes, joining a group or a sports club).

Identify your thoughts and make sure that your perception doesn’t taint reality (e.g., wrongly assuming that someone doesn’t want to see you and decide not to contact her.)

Open up and express your needs to the people you meet and those around you, talk to people and see if there’s a possibility of forging deeper bonds.

Show interest in our loved ones, actively listen to them and contact them to ask for news.

Setting limits in our relationships: why and how?

Am I the type to keep others at a distance? To avoid close relationships? Or conversely, am I the type to get too involved in other people’s problems? Do I have trouble saying no? All these questions speak to our ways of relating and setting boundaries with others.

You can think of your limits as an invisible bubble inside which are all the things you’re prepared to tolerate or appreciate in a relationship, whether with friends, colleagues, family members, etc. Having limits makes it possible for you to be more open to others.

Having boundaries helps you feel respected and aware of your needs in different relationships. Sometimes, boundaries are clear and don’t need to be named. However, as people and relationships evolve, new limits may arise and it becomes necessary to talk about them.

It’s also important to respect the boundaries others set with you in their relationships. Sometimes, boundaries clash between two people and indicate the need to compromise. However, this negotiation does not mean giving up your own needs and values. It’s usually possible, with cooperation and openness, to find a solution that suits all parties.

Reflections to carry out in a relationship to establish your limits

Think about what you want and don’t want in the relationship. Every relationship is unique. To help you, name your limits clearly in your head or write them down in a journal.
Evaluate whether it’s necessary to communicate your limits to the person concerned by speaking in “I” tones, clearly but without over-justifying yourself. Your tone of voice is important here: there’s no need to be very firm, rigid or cold when the situation doesn’t warrant it.
Learn to recognize the signals telling you that your limits have been crossed. It’s a bit like an alarm system that sounds to let you know something’s wrong. Emotions linked to anger can be an indicator that a limit has been crossed.
Think in advance about what you’ll do if you feel your boundaries are being violated, and communicate this to the person at the appropriate time.

As a complement, watch this video in which Noémie and Xavier discuss all these topics in relation to their roommate relationship.

Watch the video Avec toi, je peux être moi.

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Suggestions for further reading on communication and interpersonal relations:

Article .: Apprivoiser la solitude de l’Université de Sherbrooke
Article: S’outiller pour mieux s’affirmer de l’Université Laval
Article: Relations d’amitié de l’Université de Sherbrooke
Book : La Communication Non violente au quotidien de Marshall B. Rosenberge
Book: Les frontières dans les relations humaines Anné Linden

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